Tricking guys into liking you... using plungers.

Ok, so I'll admit it: I don't go on a lot of dates.
Shocking, right? Us nerd girls usually have guys flocking to us. *cough*

The dating culture at BYU is pretty hilarious, if you ask me. TANGENT: I can think of sixteen people I saw meet and get engaged between September and April. Springtime rolls around and all you see are happy couples conspicuously flashing their left hands while pulling off as much PDA as possible. It's nauseating.

Anyway, when my sister and I moved out to Provo last year, my mom gave us this sheet of dating ideas. I smiled, nodded, and promptly stuck it in my desk drawer, where it was lost in a void of papers until we packed up and moved back home for the summer. I had completely forgotten about it, but OH what a treasure it is. I know my mom loves me and wants me to be happy and was just trying to help. I have no idea where she found this. If you're reading this mom, I love you! Please don't take offense at anything I'm about to say. You know me, I must mock. It's how I'm wired. Blame dad.

It starts off with, "Ok girls I know that asking is supposed to be the guy's job but sometime we girls have to take matters into our own hands. Whether it is for a dance or just a fun friday night asking can be a little nerve wrecking. Here are some tips from me and my friends that might help."

I have never been one to ask a guy out. Sure, it has to do with the fact that I'm a chicken, but I also think it just doesn't work. And I am backed up by the experts who wrote the highly scientific book He's Just Not That Into You. As Greg Behrendt asserts, "if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way." If a guy likes you, he will most likely ask you out. All the excuses in the world can't save you from this fact.

"He's probably intimidated, he thinks you're out of his league."
"Maybe he just doesn't realize you're available. FLAUNT yourself more."
"I heard he had a hard break up two years ago, he's probably just waiting for you to make the first move so he doesn't get hurt again."

Please. I've had guy friends say they don't like the idea of a girl asking them out. They like to feel in charge. That's not to say it NEVER works, I'm just saying 9.9 times out of 10 it doesn't.

Instead of asking guys out, work on making yourself more datable:


The next pieces of advice are tips on how to ask your dream stud out. Keep in mind, I'm quoting word for word.

"something simple like hey what is you doing this weekend, well there is a group of us... would you like to come"
Sure, help me lower my IQ...

"If you both have a mutual entrust in something like working out, bike ridding, hiking, etc. say hey I was thinking about going . . . this weekend, would you like to come with me."
This one is just funny because of all the mistakes. It looks like something out of an English textbook that you're supposed to correct.

"The farther away you can stay from the 'will you go on a date with me' the better. If you have a guy bud that you are dying to hang out without outside of school just watch for opportunities, they always come up."
Yes, trick him girls, trick him! Make sure he has no idea how you feel, just drop a lot of hints. Guys ALWAYS pick up on hints and "girl code". There's no way he won't realize you're in love with him if you keep flipping your hair and laughing at things that aren't funny.

And who wants to be sure they're on a date, anyway? If you tell yourself you are, then you are. Your feelings are MUCH safer that way. Feel free to doodle his name + your name all over your notebooks. Stare down any girl that looks at him. Call him over and over again, leaving long and unsure messages. That was one magical "date," he had to have felt it too. You are now in a healthy and long-term relationship.

For a fun more formal way of asking (for a dance or even for a fun weekend, a unique way of asking sets the date off on the right track)
I've never minded this for dances, unless it gets really pukey or cheesy. But if someone asked me to go to the movies by spelling my name out in pancakes, I think I'd call the nice men at the mental hospital to take them away.

Some of my favorite ideas...
- Get a box of "Honeycomb" and write on it "Honeycomb" your hair because I'm taking you to...

- Circle your name or write it in a phone book. Then frost (yes, FROST) the phone book like a cake and put it on their front porch with a note that says something like "it be the frosting on the cake if you went with me to..."

- put four stamps on a banana and mail it with a card that says "I'd go bananas if you..." (I know it sounds strange but it is so fun to get a banana in the mail.)
Ok, at first, I just laughed and laughed at this one. But now I kind of want to get a banana in the mail. No date invite necessary, just send me the banana.

- Duck tape toilet closed and say "If ya got to go, go with me."
XD This one would actually work on me, for any occasion. It's just too awkwardly hilarious. Although I'd need to make it clear that I don't actually want to go to the BATHROOM with them.

- Decorate their bathroom like a beach (fill tub with water and gold fish, bucket with sand, palm tree drawn on mirror, etc). Put a message in a bottle saying, "Help! I'm stranded without a date to... Please help."
Ok, first: I do not want gold fish in my tub. Second: Desperate, much? Help me, I'm a dateless loser and you're the only one left I'd go with.

- Brand new toilet plunger with Almond Joys in it and a note that says "I would 'overflow' with 'joy' if you would go with me."
BAHAHAAHA!! Um... yeah. I love that it specifies a BRAND NEW plunger, by the way.

- Get a plant and put a diaper on it and a note that says "I'd wet my 'plants' if you come to the dance."
"You're not cool unless you pee your pants."



The rest is just actual date ideas, which aren't that exciting/mockable.

So what have we learned today, girls? We must trick guys who most likely don't like us into dating us anyway. Using lots of bathroom/toilet humor. And, you must send me a banana in the mail pronto.

Stuffing plungers with Almond Joys,
Linds


PS- In case you were wondering, the way to my heart is writing me a song, preferably one like THIS: